Let's Not Be Stupid

This won’t be my best entry. Hell, I doubt it’ll ever be included in the coffee table, best of Let’s Not Be Stupid edition that’ll grace everyone’s bottom, dusty bookshelf in ten years. But since I’m starting to re-rant in my attempts to come up with something to fill this space, I’m taking a left turn off of center.

Let's play a game, boys and girls. Time for some fun; weekly lectures tend to wear on the nerves after a while. I should know. I have a degree from plaid jumper, steel ruler, sexually frustrated penguin school.

From today's top headlines, let's find the stupid:

Straight-by-the-Bible Pastor found shot in the back
SELMER, Tenn. - His wife, Mary Winkler, is being held for questioning in Alabama. She triggered an Amber Alert by disappearing with her three children before her husband's body was found by parishioners in their bedroom.

The Stupid: Anyone who believes the shit the media shovels: that the Pastor's an innocent victim, that something like this couldn't happen in that type of community, etc. People are stupid and will do stupid things. Deal.

Outcry rises over Afghan Christian convert
KABUL, Afghanistan - 40-year-old Abdur Rahman came out of the Christian closet this week, earning him a possible death sentence by his Islamic Government.

The Stupid: Dude. Did you not see Brokeback Mountain? From what little I know of Islamic Law, it makes the sexual repression of the 70's Midwest look like a 60’s Free Love Commune in San Francisco. What were you thinking? Certain followers of this faith burned down a KFC over cartoons. Cartoons. These people mean business.

Hispanics march in Milwaukee against immigration bills
Milwaukee - Pissed off by tough anti-immigration legislation, demonstrators marched in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The theme for this little shindig: "A Day Without Latinos." Awesome. Protests have themes now.

President Bush wants a "civil" debate on the legislation. "It must be done in a way that brings dignity to the process. It must be done in a way that doesn't pit people against another."

The Stupid: Obviously, President Bush. Does that even need pointing out? Maybe not for this, but just over all - he's stupid.

Adoption Institute Supports Gay Parents
New York - In a new report, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute states, "Laws and policies that preclude adoption by gay or lesbian parents disadvantage the tens of thousands of children mired in the foster care system who need permanent, loving homes."

The Stupid: Anyone who believes that gays and lesbians can't be good, loving parents. Naughty bits preference has nothing to do with providing a stable, secure and comfortable home for a child. Anyone who wants to look me in the eye and tell me that a 1960, single-wide trailer that holds an alcoholic and a smoker is a better home for a child simply because the parents are heterosexual will get a medal for the biggest, purposely retarded douche bag I've met so far.

"Star Wars" film legend George Lucas wants more worldly Hollywood
San Francisco - Lucas picks up a suckass award and makes a really fucking stupid speech. No, I'm not going to recap it any better than that. I can't. I tried. I have a headache now.

The Stupid: Initially, I was going to go with California congresswoman Nancy Pelosi for not presenting Lucas with a swift kick up the ass for turning one of the best villains of all times into a whiny momma's boy, but I've changed my mind.

"As long as there has been a talking Hollywood, Hollywood has had a huge impact on the rest of the world," Lucas said as he discussed his films and enhancing education with computer technology.

Okay, asshat (Woo-hoo! I just added "asshat" to my dictionary in Word!), Shatner did that song and dance in How William Shatner Changed The World, only he was far more entertaining, informative, funny and NOT SERIOUS!

Yes, light sabers and The Force led to the computer revolution. If it wasn’t for Luke Skywalker’s larger-than-life bellyaching, the Information Age wouldn’t be the new fear of all white, middle class parents everywhere. Buttplug! Wake up and smell the goddamn coffee - people around the world do what they do and it has nothing to do with you or your work (unless you count the fanboys sucking your cock).

His self-importance knows no bounds.

Well, that's it for this week, kiddies. I hope you were able to spot the stupid along with me. And should you spot the stupid in the future, please feel free to e-mail me so I can watch out for it too.

There are cookies and vodka at the bar for the afternoon snack. I’ll load the porn in the DVD player for naptime. Grab your blankies and remember: everyone on their own mat, but only if you want to adopt.

I wonder if I have a phobia or something; an unconscious fear that drives me to know. Not only do I hit twenty plus websites a day, ranging from the major news agencies to writers' blogs to fluffy sites filled with witty banter, I schedule educational television during the week on my DVR to overindulge in during my weekends. Oh, sure, this compulsion can be racked up to the pop-culture phenomenon that is the Information Age or or it could be because I am a writer seeking inspiration. Either of those could easily explain it, though I suspect both are components to a bigger affair.

Last weekened, I watched Banned From The Bible, Wild West Tech, Modern Marvels: Walt Disney World, How William Shatner Changed The World (that was great fun), and Quest for the Giant Squid. I would like to say I balanced these with entertaining, fictional shows and movies. When not overloading my brain on the chapters that were left out of the the Scriptures, how the Indians had better tech than Custer or how baby giant squids are about the same size as ants, I was reading up on subversive spirits for my supposed novel.

If it wasn't for G4's The Attack Of The Show, I would feel completely cut off from current pop-culture. The Daily Show gives me prevailing point-of-views. My son keeps me young with BoBoBo-Bo Bo-BoBo and Shonen Jump's One Piece. Eventually, I settled into entertainment, but only after I exhausted myself fucking all the knowledge I could out of my television. HBO Original Programing is the post-coitus cigarette.

I did find time to help my niece out in between shows. For her first anniversary with her current beau, I signed up to watch her two Jack Russell terriers while her and hopefully-will-be hubby skipped out of town. If it wasn’t for watching the Dog Whisperer, I would've made mincemeat out of those two pooches.

Three cheers for television!

What can I say? Information makes me warm inside. Knowledge brings me a certain level of peace. When I've learned something new, I'm as happy as a bunny in a comfy blanket. The only thing under a NC-17 rating that makes me happier is sharing the information. If I can pass something along that enlightens or enriches someone's life, then I do have a purpose on this earth (aside from making sexual references in a blog). In another life, I could've been an archivist at the Library of Alexandria. Instead of video programming, blogging and mailing lists, I could've pushed parchment, papyrus, and paper on people, distilling the works of Socrates, Plato and Aristotle.

Heh. That's pushing it a bit. Latigo Flint, e, and Warren Ellis aren't right up there on the heavy stuff. At least not yet - only time will tell.

Like Red Green says, "Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together!"

Knowledge is the wave of the future, so I'm doing what I can to make sure we get there in one piece. And if you don't start behaving, I'm going to turn this car around.

Since not one single, solitary thing lit my fuse this week, let’s talk about all the minor annoyances that buzz just below the radar.

Can "Oh, SNAP!" go away now? I was sick of it before it even caught on.

A new report states that President George W. Bush’s approval rating is at an all time low. These come on a weekly basis now. Associated Press says, "On issues, Bush's approval rating declined from 39 percent to 36 percent for his handling of domestic affairs and from 47 percent to 43 percent on foreign policy and terrorism. His approval ratings for dealing with the economy and Iraq held steady, but still hovered around 40 percent.”

To put this in perspective: Clinton hovered around 60 percent during his second term when he was getting his winky whacked. I would like to say even during that embarrassing Lewinsky debacle his approval didn't drop as low, but that would require research. So, I'm not saying it with any certainty other than I sure would like it to be true.

I’ll say this only once: Bush doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how low his approval rating slips. He doesn’t care how bad he screws up this country’s economics or how many people dipped below the poverty level during his term. He doesn’t care how the United States of America appears to the world. By choice, he lives in a little bubble, surrounded by people who tell him only what he wants to hear. He has no clue what’s going on outside that bubble nor has he shown any interest in knowing. He’s out to do his own thing, make as much money as he can for himself and his friends and then fuck off into retirement on his ranch where he can stay in his bubble, believing he was a great president.

This is the hell we made for ourselves in the last elections. We have to live with it. We know he sucks. We know we don’t like our President. Stop reporting about it. Go in there and clip off the motherfucker’s balls for violating Constitutional rights. Steamroll over anyone in Congress that isn’t doing the same.

And here’s a clue for you, Upper-to-Middle-Class White America: if you’re scared (when aren’t you?) that your children will be someone’s prey, why don’t you teach them what the fuck to look out for instead of trying to shut down websites like MySpace.com? Okay, okay, no one’s tried to shut it down yet, but give it time. It’s coming.

I think the word “predator” needs to be applied to human behavior far more often than it is. Even when we catch a Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, the word “predator” goes missing under the “serial killer” label. The simple fact is humans like to hunt. Whether it’s hunting for a bargain or stalking for a good seat at the sports stadium or rummaging for food, we’ve spent millennium as hunters. That instinct isn’t going to go away because we have cars, television and the Internet.

Teach them what to look for and what to watch for when dealing to people. Yeah, don’t get into a stranger’s car is a good place to start, but warn them about flattery and gifts (because that creepy cousin isn't exactly a stranger, is he?). Teach them that sometimes their need for approval may put them in contact with people who would get off on hurting them physically and emotionally. This isn’t the stuff from which to shelter your children.

Something you can protect from them from: tentacle porn.

Screw journalistic integrity and website authenticity; I’m right and everyone else is wrong. John Stewart was too hip for the room at the Oscars. If you can’t laugh at yourself, Hollywood, how can anyone take you seriously?

That’s about it for this week. The Sopranos starts their final season on Sunday. Let’s all cheer for the return of flawless television again.

Remember that episode of Dexter’s Laboratory where he and his sister DeeDee run through the house stamping their names on everything in the house in an attempt to out vie each other? It’s quite the humorous episode, but all of Dexter’s Labs are funny.

But based on that episode, I want two stamps: one that reads “reality” and one that reads “fantasy” – preferably in all caps with a thick font. People seem confused about the difference between the two. I’d like to help out.

I always like to help.

If someone refers to himself as Fernando and leaves a rather over-the-top message in your sweetie’s LiveJournal, especially on sweetie’s birthday, it’s stamped with “fantasy.” While the best wishes may be real, anyone who calls themselves Fernando without being named Fernando is being funny. Fernando in and of itself is a funny name that lends itself readily to a humorous fantasy.

The person waiting on you, who’s been on their feet for six hours straight, carrying a bucket load of personal issues on their shoulders, is real. Look at them, smile and say thank you for a job done. It doesn’t have to be well-done. This person is real and needs your attention.

If an IM window pops up from someone you don’t know and the sender claims to want to be your friend (e.g., “I’m only looking for a friend.”), assume that’s fantasy. That person’s only interested in one thing and it’s not your friendship. It’s the contents of your pants and it’s totally in the cyber adult fantasy way. This will not lead to a life long friendship that will lead to true love.

That mother walking along side the road with her two kids, her car down the way, needs help. Be late to work for once, pull over and help her get gas for her car so she can get her kids to school on time. You don’t have to buy her gas or breakfast, but you do need to get her on her way. She’s real. The good deed you do for her will be remembered by her children.

If the face of the President appears on your television, magazine cover, newspaper or newsblog, it’s officially okay to assume he’s living in his own fantasy world.

Any face that appears on any magazine cover, photo shoot and/or movie still is fantasy. Yes, those are real people in the picture, but nine and a half out of ten have been Photoshopped and airbrushed beyond reality. They are now fantasy – and that’s all right. It’s why we buy that stuff, but don’t believe for two seconds that you could ever look like that. Too many lives wasted in the pursuit of a cropped, cut, blurred and smoothed unrealistic image.

Next time you’re stuck waiting in line, make small talk to the person waiting next to you. It doesn’t matter what you talk about – the weather, the cover of a nearby magazine cover, something silly you saw that morning, the funny thing your dog did last night. Anything fun will leave a real, lasting impression with that person. Maybe they’ll pass that smile along.

The results Match.com and Dr. Phil offer are not real. It doesn’t matter how many testimonials they offer; we never get the full, long term story on those couples.

Leaving someone a kind note in email or on the web is real. Take two minutes out of your busy day to do it. Really, what else are you going to do with those two minutes? Pick your nose (remember to smile)?

Everyone fats. Everyone goes to the bathroom. Everyone burps, gurgles, toots and hiccups. It’s reality. Let’s all stop pretending that it’s fantasy and outside the norm.

Anything hyped by local news is fantasy. There may be reality in there, but the sensationalism has pushed it over into the fantasy realm.

Prince Charming and Madonna Whore are fantasy too. He and she are not coming. Get out of your tower or off your bar stool, storm out of the castle or bar and go meet a nice person who doesn’t make you crazy. I highly recommend geeks. It may seem that they confuse reality and fantasy, but really, they have a pretty firm grasp on it.

Boy, this is sure tiring. The lines sure blur and pointing out the differences can prove difficult. Don’t believe the surface or what’s offered first – look for more or the real truth. Fantasy works in movies, television and bondage scenarios played out in the bedroom. While the “I love you” screamed around the ballgag may be real, it’s still a fantasy playing out in ropemarks and lube.

Have I made mention that I’d like these stamps to be placed on brass knuckles? Faster stamping, you see.