Let's Not Be Stupid

Okay, class, today’s lesson will be about how to talk. No, no, we’re not going to cover subject and verbs or how to craft a well-thought out argument. We’re going to touch on something far more simple that can be used in daily conversation that will make you’re life simpler.

That’s right. You heard me. Life simpler.

Got your attention, didn’t I?

Ready for it?

Tell me how these make you feel:

You weren’t listening.
You never pay attention
What’s wrong with you?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You’re wrong.
You can’t do that.
Why don’t you do better?
You’re crazy.

If you heard anyone of those sentences (directed at you or not), what would you do? Sneer? Frown? Get defensive? Stop listening?

Shake it off. Here comes step two. Listen to these:

I need you to listen and pay attention.
I don’t understand what you’re doing.
I think that’s wrong.
I don’t want you to do that.
I believe you can do better.

And how did those make you feel? Less aggressively likely to beat the speaker? More likely to sympathize?

I understand that some tend to think that a speaker who starts a great many sentences with “I” are vain, selfish, self-centered jerk-offs (that probably molest children on the side when they’re not busy kicking them). That’s utter crap. Sentences that start with “I” or “I” statements give information without being threatening. If you have to communicate a problem to someone, “I” statements can do that without accusation. Anyone involved in an intervention know this.

This practice needs to spread out into normal, mainstream life. Office politics would be less dramatic if “I” statements ruled the conference room. Grocery lines would be a much more pleasant place to stand. Banking would go easier. Doctor’s office would run smoother between staff and patients.

Of course, “I” statements require some personal disclosure. Deal. If you’re so worried about what someone’s going to think about you, then maybe you should invest more time in improving yourself. Don’t tune into Access Hollywood and sew couch cushions to match your new curtains. Pick up a book – and not something from the romance isle in Wal-Mart. If you can’t be bothered to read classics, tune into Oprah and read her damn book of the month.

There are channels called History, A&E, Discovery, Bravo and Innovation if reading isn’t your think.

And don’t be a jerk. “I think you’re a bitch” isn’t any better than “You’re a bitch.” Do try to remember that there are things like tact and diplomacy. Those are not dirty words; I don’t care how many times our current presidential administration claims to use them.

So, class, your homework? Use “I” statements at the most crucial times of your life. Practice by using them during non-crucial moments.

I know you can do it.

Whoever said you weren’t going to die today lied. They lied. If you’ve been running on the assumption that you weren’t going to die today because no one told you either way, let me point out that you’ve been running on a falsehood.

You’re going to die. Probably not today and maybe not tomorrow, but you will die. Your time is limited. Age creeps through your body like blood, breaking down every cell and system.

Or you can kick the bucket from a number of scenarios that you have no control over. Sure, you stand on the curb to avoid that speeding bus, but the aneurism hits you without warning. It could be as slow as cancer or fast as a heart attack. You could be reading a book and walk into a sniper’s line of fire. Fast asleep, your home could catch on fire and you never wake up due to smoke inhalation. You could slip getting out of the shower, cracking your skull open.

I hope your bathroom’s tiled. Brain is so hard to get out of the carpet.

On a pulley, a piano slips in its rope restraints to crash down on you. Oh, she forgot to take her meds, that’s why she crashed into your car on the freeway. Maybe swallowing that ham sandwich before you finished chewing wasn’t a good idea. You’d think everyone knew how to do the Heimlich maneuver nowadays. Slipping and falling down the stairs sure makes a lot of noise, covering up the snap of your spine.

It’s a simple procedure. That’s what the doctor said. Why didn’t you wake up?

Product tampering, e coli infection, serial killer, road rage, leukemia, friendly fire, cocaine overdose, struck by lightning, AIDS, lost at sea, alcohol poisoning, slit throat, cleaning supply cocktail, race riot, collide with a train, stroke, beaten with a blunt object, autoerotic asphyxiation, explosion, slipping on banana peel - hell, it could be the salmon mousse.

Scary thought, isn’t it? Today will be your last day. What would you do with it if you knew for sure that at the end, you would die? Think about it. What would you do if you only had a month? Six months? A year?

Here’s a simple question: why aren’t you doing that with your life now?

It’s all too short and goes all too fast. Please. Don’t be stupid and end up with nothing but regret on your deathbed.

Remember playing Telephone as a kid? No, not those stupid tin cans with strings – or the poor man’s version of Styrofoam cups with buttons and yard – but the game often done in a classroom setting. The teacher would get the class to sit in a circle before she explained the rules. She would whisper something to the child next to her so no one else could hear. That child was to tell the kid on the other side what was heard and so on. Down the line, the secret would be passed until the last received it. Then the lucky boy or girl would repeat out loud what they heard.

Remember playing that? I bet gales of laughter happened after the last kid said what they heard because a) it was completely nonsensical, b) it wasn’t what you heard and, c) it wasn’t what the teacher said at all.

Teacher: Farmer Brown sold his cow for fifty beans.
Last Kid: My pen licks ants for knicker seams.

This is one of those fun learning experiences where kids learn without learning. The lesson taken away from the whispering circle was you can’t always trust what you hear.

Sound familiar?

Some adults need a refresher course in this day and age of webblogs, myspace and user comments. This is the information age with gossip and hearsay swirling around our heads in cyberspace. It’s hard to know what’s true and what isn’t, as one ridiculous story proves true and another sound tale false. And while the snake oil salesmen have only changed their traveling wagons for a web site to sell their cures, its getting bad when local news reports a misrepresentation two days after it’s been clarified on the web.

Seriously. President Bush may have signed into law the Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act. In that act, there is buried a clause that references posting annoying Web messages or sending annoying e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity. No one will deny that. However, by cutting this malignant passage from the healthy body to hold up as proof that the body needs to be put to death is extreme.

Sure, it’s sensational television. It might help the stations ratings for a day. Licking ants for knicker seams would do the same thing. Doesn’t mean it’s correct or news.

Check it out. Steer off the favored porn site for three clicks to find out if that story is better than it sounds or if someone’s pulling legs. Sure, the online casino will miss your money for the five minutes it takes to scout out a reliable webblog or hoax site to give you the straight poop. Yes, Farmer Brown’s cow was only worth fifty beans. Can you imagine that? And no, the word “annoy” only appears once in the Act and it’s always been there as part of the 1934 telephone-annoyance statute. An update was needed to include new technology, so Internet communications devices now fall under the scope of the law. It’s no more useful in stopping annoying, anonymous posters than it was in stopping telemarketers from calling during dinner.