Let's Not Be Stupid

A bit of spam splattered on the windshield of my life that just rubbed me the wrong way: “Rules To Live By” from the Anthony Robbins organization (allegedly). Boy, wouldn’t life be great if all our problems where solved by little quips and witty sayings?

MLewys’ Rules To Live A Happier Life

One: Cheerfully give people more than they expect, but lube up first because most will fuck you over good. You’ll be glad you greased up first.

Two: If you like to fuck around, don’t get married. There’s no rule or law that says you must. Look at your potential spouse: if you can’t picture waking up happily next to that person when you’re sixty, don’t marry that person. It’ll save divorce costs later on. And if you can’t tell your potential spouse the most stupid thing you’ve ever done, then don’t marry that person. You’re not mature enough to make a relationship work.

Three: Remember when you were a kid and couldn’t wait to grow up so you could do whatever you wanted? Boy, were you a stupid kid. Being an adult means you have plenty you don’t like to do. Suck it up, pay those bills, support your kids and do the best at your job you can. Relish those moments when you do get to eat ice cream for breakfast and sleep late – you’ll appreciate them MORE when you take care of your shit first.

Four: There are three little words that will be taken at face value instantly. Use them wisely. Don’t whip them out when someone has shown you something new in the sack or fucked you just in that right way. Don’t pull them out of your handbag when you should be reaching for the mace. “I love you” can never be taken back no matter how many lawyers you get.

Five: Quit being a fucking pansy. Wuss. Say it. Look’em in the eye and say, “I’m sorry.” They’ll probably want to fuck you afterwards, if not buy you a drink first.

Six: Remember that time you went with your dad to buy a new car? There’s a reason he test drove it. Test drive your future potential mate in more ways than one – live together a year before getting married. I promise your parents will get over it when you wear white.

Seven: Love at first sight only exists when buying a car, jewelry and shoes. Love at first sight with humans and pets mean you’re superficial – not that it’s a bad thing. Just know that the pretty pack is only a pretty pack and doesn’t make for a lifetime companion. That shit only works in fairytales and movies.

Eight: You know, I really can’t fuck with “Never laugh at anyone’s dream.” Unless, of course, that dream is to be a stand up comedian.

Nine: Love deeply and passionately, blah, blah, blah. Listen. Love and Hate come from the same emotion: passion. If you’re going to open yourself up, do it knowing that there may be bitter destruction at the end. Love affairs that end never end well; I don’t care what Lifetime Special you watched or what your best friend’s cousin’s sister’s girlfriend told you. Life is not for the tame. Drive fast. Take risks.

Ten: Okay, listen. Ever since the first man punched another man in the face, we’ve been trying to come up with rules to fight fair. But the truth of the matter: there is no fair fighting. You bring, at least, brass knuckles and go for the throat and the eyes. Don’t fuck around. End it quick and finally, but be prepared for the wounds, loss of limbs and potential death. That’s why it’s always better to debate, discuss and deliberate. Argue, sure; raise your voice if necessary. But it’s much safer and a lot less messy.

Eleven: Look but don’t judge by anyone’s relatives. Know that your potential mate will grow and age physically much like the gender parent, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be them. Frankly, pray that you got the black sheep of the family.

Twelve: There’s been a study lately that those who make snap decisions based on first instincts are right more times more often than those who spend time analyzing the situation. So, fuck it. Go with your gut but don’t be a dick when talking about it.

Thirteen: When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, say you’d rather not answer it. Don’t try to be clever – that’s too much like lying. Unless you’re really good at it, you only come off looking like an asshole.

Fourteen: Everything involves taking risks. Get used to it. And don’t think that if you risk, that makes you or anything else great. It just makes you better than the cowards that won’t.

Fifteen: Do we really need to say “bless you” when someone sneezes? Does anyone believe the spirit is expelled from the body only to be snorfled back in during a sneeze? Come on. Cover your mouth when you do it and stop expecting blessings for a bodily function. An angel looking like Matt Damon won’t threaten to blow your head off with a shiny gun if you don’t say it.

Sixteen: When you lose, accept that you’re going to be upset about it. Don’t try to be all noble and stoic about it – most people don’t manage that well. They become bitter when people don’t notice them being noble and stoic. Tantrums ensue. Just pick yourself back up and try not to repeat the same mistakes.

Seventeen: Remember the three P’s: people are stupid, a person can and will make your day from time to time and please try to be a person that makes someone's day and don't stab the stupid people.

Eighteen: From time to time, your friends are going to annoy you. There’s some trait or some belief they have that will drive your ass right up a wall and back down again. Don’t let that blind you to all the wonderful shit they do. Understand that they are human and that you probably do the same thing to them.

Nineteen: Mistakes will be made. By you. By your parents. By your lover. By your best friends. Accept it now and get over it. And the person that tries to correct their mistakes is the person you want to be your friend. Be that person, or a close duplicate.

Twenty: Smile when picking your nose. Everyone does it.

Twenty-one: If you can’t spend a weekend alone at home by yourself, you have issues. Sort them out, because no one’s going to like you if you don’t like yourself. And don’t give me that humble bullshit about not liking yourself. You know whether or not you can sit and be quiet in your own head without looking for a knife to slit your wrists afterwards.

There you go. Good luck with that. Wipe your face, wear clean underwear and remember to look both ways before crossing the street.

One of the main reasons I like the movie In & Out, besides the kiss between Kevin Kline and Tom Selleck, is this subtle message that coming out of the closet is okay and a good thing. We all live in one type of closet or another for fear that our freak flag will scare off the locals. There's not much worse than showing your true colors and having people run, screaming. It ranks right up there with having a limb lopped off in a freak iPod accident (don't ask).

After the wedding doesn't happen (I hope I didn't spoil it for anyone; it's not like this movie hasn't been out for nine years or anything), the older women of the community sit in the reception hall quite depressed. Not because Howard's gay, but because there was no wedding (*gasp* The Horror!). In their flowered dresses and Sunday-best hats, each supports Howard's mother (played beautifully by Debbie Reynolds) about her son coming out at the most crucial part of the ceremony.

One even ponders what the big deal is - why they can't all be honest about whatever secrets they're keeping. She proceeds to stand and confess that she made "treats" for the reception from a recipe that wasn't hers.

"I'll say it. Right out loud. I hated The Bridges of Madison County," another confesses.

"My husband has three tentacles!" Breaking through the freak flag closeted barrier, the most dowdy of the bunch shouts her confession over the crowd. "It's disgusting."

At which point, everyone laughs because that's damn funny.

What was it that they were all afraid of? Judgment. Condemnation. Separation. Loneliness. It's better to go along and belong than be you and by yourself, right?

The toothpaste and underarm deodorant commercials would have you think so. So would a lot of other people. It's easy to herd people in the direction you want if they're in a group. But let's not fly the conspiracy freak flag yet.

Or is it Egocentricism that causes us to believe we're the only one? We're the only person who picks their teeth with piece of thick paper or cardboard. We're the only ones who dig our underwear out of our ass crack at the most embarrassing moment. We're the only one who was the outsider in high school or reads comics or secretly has a crush on Jay Leno or likes to sing to the music while driving.

Are we truly afraid to step out of the closest, where it's safe, secure, quiet and singular, only to be lost in the crowd? The idea that each person is unique and special as a snowflake gets drilled into our brain as infants. And yet, by our teen years, we all long to just blend in and not stand out, please, oh God, please don't let her see me with this big zit on my face.

By why should that zit matter? Plenty of teenagers and adults have them. Yet, that teen will stay silent, sit still and go thankfully unnoticed because of a commonplace skin disorder.

Why?

I learned last night that the first season of Chappelle's Show is the best selling Televisions Show on DVD of all time. It's number one. And Brokeback Mountain has got to be the most talked about and joked about movie in a long, long time.

Hello? The freak flags are a flying and no one seems to care!

So how is it public perception of the general public seems to go that freaks are not welcome? That it would be better for everyone if they would simply stay in the closet?

I don't know. But I want a poll. A private, individual poll of people living in America of what they think of "freakish" behavior (anything that deviates from the standard Britney Spears, white upper middle class, SUV riding, pearly white teeth, doesn't stink, dresses at Old Navy type person). That's what I want.

Separate from the herd and I bet more people would come out of the closet, waving their own freak flag.